If you have trouble forgiving yourself, you are by no means alone. One of the problems we see over and over in the church and in the world involves people who struggle with guilt and its painful effects. Some of these effects include self-condemnation, physical tension and related illnesses, as well as painful emotional distress. A failure to forgive ourselves can drain us of happiness and energy, and can keep us from being effective in the church or reaching our fullest potential. It also makes it difficult or impossible for us to forgive others as we should.
We serve a God of high standards. But this does not mean he wants us to fail. Our God is a God of love, mercy, encouragement and hope. He has lovingly provided a plan for our forgiveness and redemption, and given us the information and motivation we need to take advantage of it. I recently heard a gospel preacher suggest that if he were to select one word which sums up the entire Bible, it would be the word “salvation.” Truly, the Bible is a book about how to be forgiven, how to be saved.
Why then do we sometimes find it so difficult to accept the forgiveness God offers, especially with regard to forgiving ourselves? Why do some people punish themselves with a load of guilt that no one could bear? And what is the key to forgiving ourselves?
Some people make the mistake of dwelling on past experiences, and unrealistic expectations. As children, most of us come to understand the difference between right and wrong, and we mature through a process of reinforcing that which is right, and avoiding wrong. But in some homes, the standards are so rigid and unrealistic, that the child is made to feel discouraged and hopeless. As he grows, he believes that he is a failure, never able to rise to the standards which have been set before him. Such a person can never really succeed, or be “good enough,” so there is a continuing stream of guilt.
I once knew a craftsman with amazing skill in woodworking. But I noticed that, no matter how accomplished was his work, he was never satisfied. It was never good enough for him. He had such unrealistic expectations that he could never measure up in his own mind. Some Christians are like this. They see God’s demands as so unattainable that their life is spent in a series of disappointing failures. How sad for them and for the cause of Christ!
Parents need to provide their children with encouragement and positive reinforcement. Someone has suggested that for every negative criticism, there should be 20 positive ones! Parents should be healthy role models of abundant love, encouragement, and forgiveness.
Sometimes a Christian will say, “I know I’m forgiven, but I still feel guilty because I can’t forgive myself.” We need to go back and reaffirm God’s laws of pardon. Initially, this involves baptism for the forgiveness of sins (Acts 2:38), but thereafter it involves repentance and confession—followed by the confidence that we have been forgiven, (Acts 8:9-24). It involves believing God when he says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” (1 Jn. 1:9).
And it includes assuring and encouraging one another. When a brother or sister confesses sin, we must diligently pray for one another, that healing may occur, (Jas. 5:16). This includes expressing thanks to God for such forgiveness, and reaffirming that we have truly been forgiven. We need to remove all doubt that God does what he says he will do—forgive!
Satan would love to see us crippled with guilt, and a failure to forgive ourselves. There is no Christian more paralyzed and helpless than he who feels guilty. He cannot teach or advise others effectively, cannot confidently exhibit Christ in his own life or “let his light shine” before others, and he is constantly filled with second-guessing and self-doubt. He can never be an effective leader or role model, at least not for long, for he will feel like a hypocrite. And, in time, he will feel like others are hypocrites too, and his regard for the Lord’s church will thus be destroyed.
Forgiving ourselves is one of the most faith-demanding challenges we as Christian face. It involves understanding and appreciating the love of God, and the provisions he has made for us. Learning to forgive ourselves includes practicing forgiving others, and reminding ourselves that God truly loves us, and is able to save us. It involves a humble acceptance of God’s plan for salvation, and a determination to leave the mistakes and failures of the past, and press on to ever higher heights of service to God!
-by Robert C. Veil, Jr.
Forgiving Yourself